In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
