Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
