sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
