i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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