god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
