I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
