I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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