The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
