This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
