life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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