Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
