i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize