I wish I could punch you in the face.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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