We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
