I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
