just tell him i said nine months
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
