just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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