I didn't shave. On purpose
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
