Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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