3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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