I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
