Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
