Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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