M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
