Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
