i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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