i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
