I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
