Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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