I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
