i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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