At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
