we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
