so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
