saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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