After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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