you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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