If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He had one of those small greek statue penises
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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