What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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