I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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