My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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