If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you inspire me to be a worse person
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
