We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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