i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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