My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
