my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i dont even know how to be here
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
