I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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