The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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