I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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