Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
