Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
