He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
