I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We named our party play list daddy issues
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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