dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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