And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
