I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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